A poem for my Baby Drew

Today is the day I expected you to be born
Yet today I expect to visit your grave.

Today is the day I prepared our nursery for
Yet today I begin to put away the those bittersweet memories.

Today is the day I longed for
Yet today I have dreaded.

Today is the day I expected to beg my doctor to induce labor
Yet today I will see him for a post-partum appointment.

Today is the day I expected to be most joyful
Yet today I am mostly sad.

Today is the day that I would likely celebrate your birthday
Yet today I remember your death.

Today is the day I've prepared for by buying you new clothes
Yet today they hang in the closet, painful reminders of what was supposed to be.

Today is the day I expected to share our home with visitors,
Yet today the house is painfully silent.

Today we were going to have our family picture made
Yet today there are none to be found.

Today was to begin all the tomorrows with you,
Yet all I think about are the yesterdays.

"With the Lord, one day is like a thousand years and a thousand years like one day."

II Peter 3:8

Yesterday my arms were empty

Tomorrow I will hold you.

Yesterday I missed you terribly

Tomorrow I will never be apart from you.

Yesterday was filled with pain

Tomorrow there will be no tears.

Yesterday our family was fragmented

Tomorrow our family will be whole again.

Yesterday we could not make sense of this tragedy

Tomorrow we will understand.

Yesterday we questioned God's goodness

Tomorrow we will worship Him together.

Yesterday you spent with Jesus

Tomorrow we will join you.

Baby, until tomorrow...

Please Pray...

When Drew was born, we had a photographer take pictures of him and us. Jeff and I have misplaced her card and we are desperate to see those pictures. Please pray that we find her as she told us to contact her for them after 6 weeks. We just want to see them so badly, This week has been very difficult for me. I just miss the baby that should be here so terribly. As my due date approaches, it seems surreal that he won't be here with us. Mornings seem to be the hardest as I often wake up thinking that I'm still pregnant. Then, realizing that I need to get through another day seems so overwhelming. Looking at my own children makes me so sad. I just think about which one he would have been most like. I know that one day this pain won't be so bad, but I also know that a piece of me will always be gone. Thank you all so much for your prayers.

Amazing Love

I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers and support for my family. I have learned so much through your reaching out to our family. I don't want to stand on the sidelines as someone I know is hurting anymore. You have laughed with me and cried with me when I needed a listening ear. You have truly been friends that "mourn with those that mourn" . I am so blessed and not a day has gone by that I haven't been encouraged or comforted by a friend or family member. We have received cards, phone calls, meals, house cleaning service (bless your heart whoever did that one), our yard mowed, babysitting, received books, received money to help pay for the funeral expenses, photography services, and much more. Thank you all for helping us cope as we make it through each day.
Just this past week, I felt that my blog was too getting too depressing. People were telling me that they cried every time that they read it. My purpose of writing was not to stir an emotion but as a way to help me deal with this pain that I am facing. I seem to write when ever I am the most down and I could see that in my writing. So, I was going to write and tell you that we do laugh everyday, we smile, we enjoy life as much as we cry. There are even times that we laugh hysterically. But just as I was going to post about this, I felt a huge wave of despair run over me. Last week was by far the hardest, darkest week I have ever felt or experienced. I could not function. Looking back, I don't know how I got through it. I felt oppression like I have never felt before. Panic and fear were my new best friends. I was crippled and in my bed most of the time. It was more debilitating than the grief itself. It was a darkness that hung over me and would not leave. A new low in my life had been faced and felt to be permanent. Then, just a quiet rush of strength came my way, God had came to my rescue and His love has been felt like never before. I am convinced that I will always cherish His presence more than ever because of what was experienced. His love is way more than I deserve and He is my true source of joy. I don't know if I will face more days like last week, but if I do, I will look back at what He has lead me through already.His grace truly is sufficient and perfect. Thank you for your prayers as I am convinced more than ever that they saw me through last week.
I hope to share some highlights of this week as I have been able to have my Mom and sister in town. They have come to my rescue. Thank you both so much!

Questions

Dear Father,

Today, my grief is washing over me. I know that you say that we will never be given more than we can handle. Today, I'm not so sure. I want so desperately to hold Andrew again. I want to touch his blond hair and remind myself of all of his sweet features. I'm so afraid that I will forget what he looked like. I want to go get him. I want to scream at the doctors and find someone to blame for all of this. It makes me feel less of the guilt that I feel . Was it the long car ride that I had just taken? The warm bath? I just want to know if he struggled in me to breathe or did You take him quickly? I can't bear to see my daughter crying anymore. I don't know what to tell her because I don't understand myself. I walked in her room today and she was crying with the little bear that was on Andrew's casket. She didn't want me to see her crying because she knew I would cry. She hurts so much and I cannot bear to see her in such pain. How am I supposed to respond when my little boy points to my stomach several times a day and says, Baby Drew, all gone? What do I do with my time? I don't even know what to do anymore. You do promise to be faithful. Lord, please help us as we try to understand all of this. We need you. We so desperately need you.

Sigh of Relief...

Today was a big day for Susanna. She started the first grade at a new school . I have been so worried about her and desperately wanted her to have a great day. Jeff and I were not able to keep her at the school that she was attending because of the cost of sending her and her brother there. So, we have been praying that God would surround our kids with great teachers and wonderful friends. I even bargained with the Lord last night. I was feeling so overwhelmed with panic. I am told that grieving will do this. If you have ever faced death, you will know how afraid you become of everything. I have been checking on all of my kids and my husband multiple times in the night just to make sure that they are breathing. I know, I sound like a crazy person. As I was up last night, I just asked the Lord to confirm this decision that we had made about Susie and Luke's school. (Luke doesn't start until Thursday.) I begged Him to please help Susanna have a special friend at this new school. She needs this. Well, Susanna came running out to the car and her mouth was running a mile a minute. She said that her friend from her preschool was in her class! This is a friend whose family I have always kind of admired from afar. They have, I think, 8 kids in their family. AND the Mom always has her hair done! Can you imagine? I am so thankful that she had a great day. Now, I just to have to get through Luke's first day on Thursday.
My heart was comforted today after reading this blog. She is the daughter-in-law of John Piper. Last year, she had a stillborn daughter in her 39th week of pregnancy. She just gave birth to a son, Morrow John Piper. They named him this from the verse,"Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning." She writes about the heartache that she has endured and is still enduring. Her prayer for her children was that they will all know God. She said that she realized that she will never have to pray that for her daughter. It has already been fulfilled. It gave me some comfort today. I didn't want it that way, but I cannot ask for more than that.