Questions

Dear Father,

Today, my grief is washing over me. I know that you say that we will never be given more than we can handle. Today, I'm not so sure. I want so desperately to hold Andrew again. I want to touch his blond hair and remind myself of all of his sweet features. I'm so afraid that I will forget what he looked like. I want to go get him. I want to scream at the doctors and find someone to blame for all of this. It makes me feel less of the guilt that I feel . Was it the long car ride that I had just taken? The warm bath? I just want to know if he struggled in me to breathe or did You take him quickly? I can't bear to see my daughter crying anymore. I don't know what to tell her because I don't understand myself. I walked in her room today and she was crying with the little bear that was on Andrew's casket. She didn't want me to see her crying because she knew I would cry. She hurts so much and I cannot bear to see her in such pain. How am I supposed to respond when my little boy points to my stomach several times a day and says, Baby Drew, all gone? What do I do with my time? I don't even know what to do anymore. You do promise to be faithful. Lord, please help us as we try to understand all of this. We need you. We so desperately need you.

Sigh of Relief...

Today was a big day for Susanna. She started the first grade at a new school . I have been so worried about her and desperately wanted her to have a great day. Jeff and I were not able to keep her at the school that she was attending because of the cost of sending her and her brother there. So, we have been praying that God would surround our kids with great teachers and wonderful friends. I even bargained with the Lord last night. I was feeling so overwhelmed with panic. I am told that grieving will do this. If you have ever faced death, you will know how afraid you become of everything. I have been checking on all of my kids and my husband multiple times in the night just to make sure that they are breathing. I know, I sound like a crazy person. As I was up last night, I just asked the Lord to confirm this decision that we had made about Susie and Luke's school. (Luke doesn't start until Thursday.) I begged Him to please help Susanna have a special friend at this new school. She needs this. Well, Susanna came running out to the car and her mouth was running a mile a minute. She said that her friend from her preschool was in her class! This is a friend whose family I have always kind of admired from afar. They have, I think, 8 kids in their family. AND the Mom always has her hair done! Can you imagine? I am so thankful that she had a great day. Now, I just to have to get through Luke's first day on Thursday.
My heart was comforted today after reading this blog. She is the daughter-in-law of John Piper. Last year, she had a stillborn daughter in her 39th week of pregnancy. She just gave birth to a son, Morrow John Piper. They named him this from the verse,"Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning." She writes about the heartache that she has endured and is still enduring. Her prayer for her children was that they will all know God. She said that she realized that she will never have to pray that for her daughter. It has already been fulfilled. It gave me some comfort today. I didn't want it that way, but I cannot ask for more than that.

"For where your treasure is...

On Saturday, August 9th, our family had a little service for my precious Andrew. It was a beautiful day and we were surrounded by so many loved ones. I am so thankful for the service that we were able to have for him and I felt that it honored his very short life. While I was in the hospital, I was blessed to have the most amazing and compassionate nurse. She was with us all three days and we are so thankful for all the help that she gave to us. Two things she told us to do was to make sure that we held him for as long as we would like to and to make sure that we had a service for him. It was hard to plan a service for a baby of ours, but it did make us feel like we were his parents as we made these decisions. She also wanted to make sure that we took pictures of our Drew and of the service. We would never have thought about that at that time. I am so thankful for the pictures that we do have and we will always have of our baby. We were so blessed to have a ministry called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep take the pictures of Baby Drew at the hospital. Then, a friend of mine, Kristen Presley, took beautiful pictures of the funeral. Thank you Kristen for doing this for us. We will always treasure these pictures. I wanted to share a few of them. I was really hesitant about doing pictures of the funeral but realized that we only have so few memories of him that we wanted to document everything.

We were so blessed to have our Pastor (Chris Brown) and Gene lead our service.

This is a picture that I love. Susanna and Luke wrote Andrew little letters that were attatched to the balloons. Eli still talks about his balloon and that it is with Baby Drew. Luke's balloon got stuck in a tree for a few moments and we all held our breath. Then, the wind blew, or I like to think that God blew, and it went up into the sky.
A verse that was shared with Jeff and I as we waited for Andrew to be born was Matthew 6:21,"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." This is a verse that we have claimed during this time. Our treasure is not this earth and the things that will soon be destroyed. Jesus is our treasure. And now Andrew...

So many times I find myself wondering if I should take certain people meals or send a card when they are hurting. I do sometimes and other times, I convince myself that I don't know them well enough to send them something. And I was wrong for thinking that... Jeff and I have been so blessed by the words of comfort and encouragement that have been sent our way. The ones from the people that we don't know so well mean so much to us. Why? Because they prove to us over and over that God is moving on our behalf when we feel so down. It tells us that God still cares and He's going to help us through this. He's even moving strangers to pray for us. He is good...

I have to remind myself of that lately. I'll have to admit that it is a struggle to say that my God is good sometimes. I still don't understand why but I will know one day. I am certain. I am reminded in different ways everyday. Yesterday, I went to the Drs. to go over the findings of why Drew passed away. We found out that it was the cord that had kinked multiple times. It was a hard day. Yesterday, I doubted His goodness. I came home and began to write on my blog. Susanna, my oldest, came in the room, and saw me crying. She put her arms around me and told me that she loved me. Then, she asked me how many more days until Drew would have been born. You see, she used to check my blog everyday for the countdown that is on the side and would announce to all of us how much longer we had until he was here with us. When I showed her the number, she began to cry. We held each other and cried for the life that was lost. She knows he's in Heaven, but she was so anxious for a baby to be in the house again. And in that moment, I was reminded once again that He is good.

He Is Good

I don't know yet what to do with this blog. I have been told that it helps to write as you deal with grief. So, for now, I will write about this journey that I never thought that I would be on. First of all, I have to thank all of my family and friends for your outpouring of love and support for our family. We are so blessed to have each of you in our lives. Please do not quit praying for us. We have heard and are learning that losing a child puts a tremendous amount of strain on a family. We want desperately to see His name lifted up through all of this. We are so weak. Pray that God does a mighty work through our lives as we go through this valley.
Yesterday, Jeff and I went to the grave. I had such mixed emotions about going there. I thought that it might be too painful and feared that, without the headstone, it would not seem special enough for my son. I kept getting angry that I was being swarmed by mosquitoes. Questions began to swirl in my mind. Couldn't God just allow us to grieve without getting bit up? I began to think about the awful labor and then the surgery/ Couldn't God have made it an easy delivery with no complications, instead of the hardest one I have ever been through? Then, why did He allow me to get pregnant just to take him away? Why does God allow my body to remind me that there is supposed to be a baby here? Couldn't He have taken care of that, too? Does He even care? Just as soon as I begin to question His love, guilt sweeps over me. How can I doubt my God's love when I have four beautiful children? How can I think that He has given me more than I can bear? I am breathing. His mercy and compassion have not failed me. He has sustained me this far and will give me the strength to get through this day. He is good. He is good.

Our Baby Drew

My dear precious Andrew,

You are missed beyond measure. I cannot understand why you are no longer here with us. My mind cannot grasp the fact that I will not hold you again on this earth. Why did God take you from us? You were so perfect and I cannot imagine a baby that would have been loved anymore than you. Today, baby, I will just pray that God will give me the mercy to make it through. I love you with all of my heart. Your brother Luke probably understood more than I did the day you were born. He just wanted to keep touching you. Although he was crying, he said, "Mom, we miss him so much, don't we?" He knew that even though we were holding you, that you were with Jesus. It does bring comfort to us in knowing that Heaven is your only home. It is all you will ever know. I know that one day everything will be clear as to why He chose you to be with Him. I just wish it were now. You were loved from the moment we knew we had you and we long for the day that we can have you in our arms again.
Love,
Your Mommy