So many times I find myself wondering if I should take certain people meals or send a card when they are hurting. I do sometimes and other times, I convince myself that I don't know them well enough to send them something. And I was wrong for thinking that... Jeff and I have been so blessed by the words of comfort and encouragement that have been sent our way. The ones from the people that we don't know so well mean so much to us. Why? Because they prove to us over and over that God is moving on our behalf when we feel so down. It tells us that God still cares and He's going to help us through this. He's even moving strangers to pray for us. He is good...

I have to remind myself of that lately. I'll have to admit that it is a struggle to say that my God is good sometimes. I still don't understand why but I will know one day. I am certain. I am reminded in different ways everyday. Yesterday, I went to the Drs. to go over the findings of why Drew passed away. We found out that it was the cord that had kinked multiple times. It was a hard day. Yesterday, I doubted His goodness. I came home and began to write on my blog. Susanna, my oldest, came in the room, and saw me crying. She put her arms around me and told me that she loved me. Then, she asked me how many more days until Drew would have been born. You see, she used to check my blog everyday for the countdown that is on the side and would announce to all of us how much longer we had until he was here with us. When I showed her the number, she began to cry. We held each other and cried for the life that was lost. She knows he's in Heaven, but she was so anxious for a baby to be in the house again. And in that moment, I was reminded once again that He is good.

He Is Good

I don't know yet what to do with this blog. I have been told that it helps to write as you deal with grief. So, for now, I will write about this journey that I never thought that I would be on. First of all, I have to thank all of my family and friends for your outpouring of love and support for our family. We are so blessed to have each of you in our lives. Please do not quit praying for us. We have heard and are learning that losing a child puts a tremendous amount of strain on a family. We want desperately to see His name lifted up through all of this. We are so weak. Pray that God does a mighty work through our lives as we go through this valley.
Yesterday, Jeff and I went to the grave. I had such mixed emotions about going there. I thought that it might be too painful and feared that, without the headstone, it would not seem special enough for my son. I kept getting angry that I was being swarmed by mosquitoes. Questions began to swirl in my mind. Couldn't God just allow us to grieve without getting bit up? I began to think about the awful labor and then the surgery/ Couldn't God have made it an easy delivery with no complications, instead of the hardest one I have ever been through? Then, why did He allow me to get pregnant just to take him away? Why does God allow my body to remind me that there is supposed to be a baby here? Couldn't He have taken care of that, too? Does He even care? Just as soon as I begin to question His love, guilt sweeps over me. How can I doubt my God's love when I have four beautiful children? How can I think that He has given me more than I can bear? I am breathing. His mercy and compassion have not failed me. He has sustained me this far and will give me the strength to get through this day. He is good. He is good.

Our Baby Drew

My dear precious Andrew,

You are missed beyond measure. I cannot understand why you are no longer here with us. My mind cannot grasp the fact that I will not hold you again on this earth. Why did God take you from us? You were so perfect and I cannot imagine a baby that would have been loved anymore than you. Today, baby, I will just pray that God will give me the mercy to make it through. I love you with all of my heart. Your brother Luke probably understood more than I did the day you were born. He just wanted to keep touching you. Although he was crying, he said, "Mom, we miss him so much, don't we?" He knew that even though we were holding you, that you were with Jesus. It does bring comfort to us in knowing that Heaven is your only home. It is all you will ever know. I know that one day everything will be clear as to why He chose you to be with Him. I just wish it were now. You were loved from the moment we knew we had you and we long for the day that we can have you in our arms again.
Love,
Your Mommy

Help!

I need a new name for this blog before the baby comes? Any ideas?

SuperNanny...Help!!!

This picture has become all too familiar lately. This is Eli in our bed. He has been getting so spoiled. See, lately, when we put him to bed, he begins screaming,"Bad guys scare me!" I feel so terrible that he is scared and I go get him. Jeff will put him in his bed once he falls asleep. I need to get him back to sleeping in his bed through out the night before the baby comes. Now, if I could just muster up the energy to fight him on this. So, I'm putting in a call to Miss Jo Frost. But, he is cute, isn't he? Oh , and not to mention that he is 2 and still has a bottle by his side. How did I become such a softie?