Grace

We have been so busy since Sam's surgery. Now with having most of our family out of town, we have had company staying with us about every other weekend. Andrew's headstone came in and I have yet to go see it. The finality of it all seems to overwhelm me at times. I do ask for your prayers. I know that guilt has no benefit for me, but I am filled with it. Somedays, I cannot get out of bed, and I feel guilty because I have other children to care for. Other days, I function normally. I laugh, I shop, I clean, I play. Then, I cry because I functioned normally and I wonder if I am forgetting about Drew. As we approach the holidays, I miss him even more. I had imagined this Thanksgiving taking Drew to Florida to show him off to our family, hanging 5 stockings up, watching Drew play with his brand new cousins, Annie and Davis. I know all of the right answers to all of these issues that I struggle with, yet I sometimes fail to apply them to my own life. Thank you all for your continued prayer. Hardly a day has gone by that I have not received encouragement of some kind and I'm so thankful. Thank you for mentioning Drew by his name or asking me about him. Thank you for acknowledging his life, even if it makes me cry. Please don't feel bad if you do and I cry. I'd so much rather talk about him than ignore what happened.
Some have asked me what happened or what were the events leading up to his death. I have written in my journal about everything yet have been unable to share with everyone.
While I was 32 weeks pregnant, I was experiencing some pretty sharp pains in my side. I knew that it was not labor but something that I had never felt before. It was not the usual uncomfortableness that one experiences during pregnancy. It hurt! I called my Dr. and insisted that I come in that day. I went in, he told me that I was just experiencing contractions. He checked for a heartbeat and it was normal. Fast forward two days later. My oldest daughter was being baptized that night at church. It was such an exciting event for our family. I remember during the service waiting for Drew to kick. He just seemed less active that day. Much to my relief, he had an active spurt that night before I fell asleep. I just reassured myself that his living quarters were getting quite cramped and that his movements were normally slowing down. I felt that I could not keep calling the Dr. for every little issue. The next night, I told Jeff that I could not feel Drew move. I knew all of the right things to do such as eat a snack, lay on your side, etc... I did all of them. I put a call in to the Dr., and they reassured me that everything was ok, and to keep trying to get him to move. Still no movement. I remember just crying and praying throughout the night. The Dr. told me to come in in the morning. Jeff reassured me that everything was going to be ok and I rushed to the doctors. I drove myself up to the office and I remember signing my name in, then sitting on those couches crying as I waited for them to call my name. Why didn't I just barge in and demand help? I don't know? So many questions... After what seemed to be forever the nurse came and got me. She put the Doppler on my stomach as she waited to hear his heartbeat. I thought I heard something, but she said it was my own heartbeat. I began to cry, knowing that he was gone. She began to press painfully on my stomach as she searched frantically for it. Still no heartbeat. She asked me to go to the ultrasound room to check on him there. I don't remember walking to that room. The sonographer turned the screen to herself as she scanned my stomach. I cried the whole time. I knew. She then said how sorry she was and that the baby had no heartbeat. My heart broke in that instant. I had to call Jeff and tell him and then call my Mom. They escorted me to a private room and I waited there for Jeff. I remember thinking that this was not something that I could handle. Hadn't God promised that He would not give us more than we can bear? I was still grieving the loss of my Dad and the thought of burying my baby was too much. At that time. You know, as much as I knew that I could not handle it, He knew I could. Well, looking back, God's love filled me that day yet I wasn't so sure at that time. The Doctor met with Jeff and I in order to make decisions as far as when we should induce labor. They then escorted me to the maternity ward in a back room used for this very purpose. They put a tear drop on my door so all workers would know that this was not a live baby being delivered. No big blue ribbon, just a tear drop. My family was all spread out at the time but were all there by my side in no time at all. My sister that lives in Miami was there with her own newborn by that afternoon. I remember telling them that I did not "feel" God's love at that time. My heart did not feel comforted as I have heard many other people speak about. It just felt broke. No one told me that God was in control or anything. They just listened and that is what I needed. God listened too. I knew He was in control, but that didn't mean that it hurt less. I was reminded that God lost His Son too. He knew. I prayed that God would miraculously breathe life into him as he was born. Yet, He did not. I don't know why. I may never know. I do know that I treasure my children even more. I hurt more for other people. I yearn for Heaven. I feel a little closer to Him. Is it because I need Him now more than ever? Probably. Will I ever forget the grace that He has given me to survive each day? I hope not. I don't know what God has for us or why He let this happen. I may never know on this side of Heaven. What I do know is that He has sustained me thus far and will continue to do so. He will sustain you too. Most of the time not an overflow, but just enough to put one foot in front of the other. Then, You will look back and see that although you still hurt tremendously, His grace is indeed amazing. It's beyond what we even think possible. That I know.


My grandmother wrote this verse out for me:
"I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Is. 41:10b

Don't you just love that word"surely"? Not maybe, not probably. SURELY...